Graduation

This is, by far, the strangest time I have yet to experience in my life. About 5 days ago, around 8pm I walked out of my last final of my undergraduate career. I think I expected to feel a sense of accomplishment, joy and excitement. But I didn't. I felt regret, sadness and longing. I regret not loving college like I wanted and I regret it being such a trying to time for me. I am sad to close the door on things I have loved at UT that made being here worth it. I longed to feel a new purpose and like I belong somewhere new instantly.

I am no longer a student. My major is no longer math. My year is no longer (1st/2nd/3rd/4th). I would say my school is no longer UT, but let's be honest, my school will always be UT.

People have told me, "you felt this way after highschool, you will adjust." But I didn't feel like this after highschool. I left highschool triumphant and blazing a new trail. I am leaving college weary, frustrated and unwillingly grown up(ish). This is different.

I will not "adjust." This is not a small gap to bridge. I have completed the goal I spent 17 years working towards. Things are changing. I'm starting something entirely new. My life will no longer be how it has been. And that's okay.

I'm ready for the next phase. I'm okay with needing to mourn the end of 4 years that I wanted to be over from the start and feeling absolutely ridiculous about it. I'm okay with not being certain about my next step. I'm also okay with being excited about the uncertainty that lies ahead. People around me don't get it, and I don't need them to.

I walk the stage on Saturday. I will accept my "diploma" and praise God for His refining fires.

Note: While my 4 years at UT have been hard, I have definitely enjoyed them. I have made friends, laughed, cried, and had a blast. It wasn't what I expected and my GPA sure doesn't look like I wanted it do, but I have loved being here and will treasure it always. (No more cheesy things like that, promise)