"Why doesn't the world stop?"

2 nights ago, I was thinking this while I looked over the night-life of Austin bustling around 8 floors below the hospital window. Why when tragedy happens does the rest of the world not ache with you?

Let me explain. Friday evening my roommate was in a bicycle accident. She has several fractures in her skull, 5 fractured vertebrae and a broken clavicle. Her injuries could be far worse and God protected her in many ways, but what she is currently living through is still a tragedy. Temporarily life-altering, permanently emotionally and spiritually altering.

Through this, I am beginning to see the emptiness of this world. What do we have if we do not have Christ? Everything can be changed in a moment. One moment you are riding your bike down a hill, the next moment you are lying on the ground in a pool of your own blood. Everything is fleeting. I have been ignorant to how true that is. I have known God is all I need and that He is the only thing that is lasting, but never fully believed it with my entire being. But now, I have been rocked to the core and my soul groans for solid ground. I mourn the ways I have traded everlasting for fleeting. My heart aches for His touch. My soul longs for Whom it was created. I yearn for eternity with Him. I have lived my life as though myself and those around me are invincible. How stupid I have been.

²²Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. ²³For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. ²⁴For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, ²⁵but the word of the Lord stands forever." And this is the word that was preached to you. 1 Peter 1: 22-25

Graduation

This is, by far, the strangest time I have yet to experience in my life. About 5 days ago, around 8pm I walked out of my last final of my undergraduate career. I think I expected to feel a sense of accomplishment, joy and excitement. But I didn't. I felt regret, sadness and longing. I regret not loving college like I wanted and I regret it being such a trying to time for me. I am sad to close the door on things I have loved at UT that made being here worth it. I longed to feel a new purpose and like I belong somewhere new instantly.

I am no longer a student. My major is no longer math. My year is no longer (1st/2nd/3rd/4th). I would say my school is no longer UT, but let's be honest, my school will always be UT.

People have told me, "you felt this way after highschool, you will adjust." But I didn't feel like this after highschool. I left highschool triumphant and blazing a new trail. I am leaving college weary, frustrated and unwillingly grown up(ish). This is different.

I will not "adjust." This is not a small gap to bridge. I have completed the goal I spent 17 years working towards. Things are changing. I'm starting something entirely new. My life will no longer be how it has been. And that's okay.

I'm ready for the next phase. I'm okay with needing to mourn the end of 4 years that I wanted to be over from the start and feeling absolutely ridiculous about it. I'm okay with not being certain about my next step. I'm also okay with being excited about the uncertainty that lies ahead. People around me don't get it, and I don't need them to.

I walk the stage on Saturday. I will accept my "diploma" and praise God for His refining fires.

Note: While my 4 years at UT have been hard, I have definitely enjoyed them. I have made friends, laughed, cried, and had a blast. It wasn't what I expected and my GPA sure doesn't look like I wanted it do, but I have loved being here and will treasure it always. (No more cheesy things like that, promise)